Ever since I was little. I blogged before http://emptyhandedbutalive.blogspot.com/2009/08/lord-is-good.html that sometime back in college, God really did amazing things in my life, molding, and perfecting the personality He created and gave me into a more Christ-like one that was a lot less me-world-centered. And this was one of the big areas He helped me um tweak. But when I get stressed, or tired, there's tons of changes all at once in my life or something is too big, it comes out again, albeit in super minor forms compare to my high school and college days. My need to control things sneaks into the quiet moments. And while I rarely have an incessant need to make sure all the cups' handles are at exactly the same angle any more, there's one area of my life, that I can't seem to completely unwrap my fingers from. And this amazingly bad habit is ashamedly with God.
It's kinda funny cause I'm not even really a worrier. Cause, duh, it's out of my control. There's really no use, right? And I really try hard to press in and turn to God for every decision I make in all parts of my life to seek guidance and His plan. I earnestly want to be at the absolute center of His will for my life at all times no matter the cost. I lift my hands up in worship and get down on my knees pleading for a glimmer of how to move next and He does what He always does....He gives me the next step or the rough draft. ok, He doesn't deal in rough drafts, but He knows that if He gives me the full thing, I'd prob. run screaming in the opposite direction....so He tends to give me little tiny steps or rough ideas without all the mind numbing super scary (to me) details. It's a great psychology tactic. And God is seriously the master of it in my life. Get me to say yes to one thing...anything so I'll stop being so stubborn, quit stomping my feet, and you can get me to say yes to anything after that. You just have to get me to stop saying no first. So I get His plan and the peace and hope that He always gives me with it....what comes with knowing He's taking care of the rest and that I'm just along for the ride. He's always faithful in giving me this indescribable peace when He tells me where He's working in my life and what I need to do. To date, His plans have never failed, never been too much for Him, never not worked out absolutely beautifully. And yet, that's when the ugliness creeps back in. The flesh centered, 2 year old grubby fingered, control-freak in me rears its ugly head. And before I know it, I've taken the beauty God's given me and smashed it up into my fist and wrapped my fingers so tight around it my knuckles are white. And THEN I try to do it on my own. Major fail. Now, I mean, I'm an analytical, detail-oriented, expert planner who can take something and make it happen. But it is NEVER going to be as good as God is going to do it. And I know for sure I kick some of the middle men out in the process who God wants to use for His purposes either in my life or theirs during that journey. Cause, hello, it's easier to do it myself. Less people to mess it up, right? See where this is going....down a dark, ugly path.
It's not really about the end result....it's the journey in the middle. The process, the work part, the trust and faith in Him to follow Him part which is where all the good stuff happens. It's where He changes us and others and brings glory to Him in the process. It's those tiny surprises He throws at us because He knows our hearts better than we even do. He cares for us so immensely that He so delights in providing for us in ways that man never can. And it always amazes me that I would want to spoil that time and time again. Then i wonder why I'm struggling, or feeling overwhelmed, or like I'm drowning. Usually, after I stop to catch my breath, I notice, it's cause God entrusted some amazing plan to me, something He wants me to join Him in, and I put it in my fist shoved it deep into my dress pockets so the dream wouldn't fall out while I went merrily along my life. And in the process, I stifled what God really wants to do. I stopped asking Him how and when and what. Oh how I LOVE that He has such amazing grace for me, such mercy. He sits so patiently, waiting for me to come sit back at His feet, to open up my hands, offer it back up, and together we watch as HE unfolds the story. I'm trying so hard to not do it again.....
I want to let go, I'm weary and bound
I'm giving it up and laying it down,
Take it away, out of my hands
Out of my reach and safe in your plans
'Cause I need to know, that you can hear me
Fill me with your peace, yeah, and cover me gently,
Like only you can...
So take me, and hold me, break me and mold me, oh
Take me, and hold me, break me and mold me
I want to let go
Cradle my hands, knuckles so white
Open them up, and say it's alright, oh
Show me a plan, call it your own
Make it a journey, leading me home
'Cause I need to know, that you can hear me,
Fill me with your peace, yeah, and cover me gently,
Like only you can...
So take me, and hold me, break me and mold me, oh
Take me, and hold me, break me and mold me
I want to let go
-Lindsay McCaul
While I didn't write this....it's exactly, every word of it, how I feel. And what I know God is whispering in my ear...
Dear friends, please join me in praying I don't get all 2 year old grubby fisted on this one.....I'm trying desperately to daily lay it back down at His feet and seek His will in each of these next steps, to follow Him in what I believe He's calling me to do this next season....and allowing Him to do all the detailing and planning and dreaming for me.
I want to let go, I'm weary and bound
I'm giving it up and laying it down,
Take it away, out of my hands
OUT of MY reach and SAFE in YOUR plans
