the short answer: God. He called me and to here, this place, and so here I am. for however long. till He says. doing/serving where and how He says.
the long answer: gotcha....like I'm even going to attempt that one on here right now. it's long.
the medium version is the one I'm trying to formulate and articulate better so that I can better describe the why and the what without bumbling like an idiot when asked. cause like I said. I have an answer. and man is it good. The other night after a particularly good day, a worship song was washing over me and scripture kept running through my head....and two pictures stuck. it's the reason. and while I can't use this in a conversation.....I can show you through this media......so maybe this will answer the why and the what. Warning: it's not so nice and neat.
"I have REDEEMED YOU; I have called YOU by your name, YOU are mine."
I know and accept this, with all of my heart, as TRUTH. It is essentially the life force and motivation behind all my actions.
Lord I give You my heart
I give You my soul,
I live for You alone
Every breath that I take,
Every moment I'm awake
Lord, have Your way in me
-lyrics by Reuben Morgan
This is the only way I know how to respond to Him; to what He's given me. It's never even close to enough, but it's all I have. How thankful I am that He never asks us to repay Him. It's free and so am I.
It's D, who couldn't even sit up at 10 months, didn't smile or laugh, wouldn't make eye contact and was constantly sick. He had given up on life and refused food for WEEKS. After 6 wks of living with me and finally bonding to another person, he started turning around. Now after a year of living in a smaller environment and learning to trust and love and bond....he's walking, smiling, laughing, playing, talking and almost NEVER sick!
It's dozens of other babies and tots that I am absolutely blessed and privileged to care for, to breathe life into, to hold, and love, and dream with. I have watched HIM transform them right before my very eyes. And I can't do HIM justice to try to describe the beauty and paradox of these miracles amidst one of the poorest places in the world. But I do know, that what He did for me; how He redeemed me and called me; He has and is continuing to do for EACH and EVERY ONE of these that I am serving.
And I don't understand it. I can't explain it. Especially not eloquently. And I have no clue why He called me. But He did. So I'm here. And I have no clue how or when it's going to end. or even how it's going to look tomorrow. But He's faithful and good and I'm trusting in Him for each and everyone of the steps He's laid and numbered before me.