Confession time. Ever since I’ve arrived here I have found it really hard to find a good space for my time with God. I’ve been craving it like crazy but have had a terrible time connecting for a bazillion reasons that take too long to list at the moment. This doesn’t mean I haven’t found a few minutes that have crept up on me, but on the whole, I have felt horribly drained as I’m living daily to pour everything I have out. Well, everything He’s pouring into me. So today I was reminded of a few things that all tie in together. I’m going to try to muttle through it and end up with some creative explanation in the end…or not.
I’m helping to train the new tias that will be working in the new nursery we are opening on Monday. We are using the unofficial first resident of the nursery, Lucilia, for demos and she’s doing a beautiful job. She holds the corner market on acting like a baby. Today I brought her over to help explain feeding, burping, making bottles, ect. She was starving, cause it was time to eat, of course, and we were running a few minutes behind. She’s 7 wks and doesn’t like to wait for her food. She started crying and Hilda the co-director of the nursery picked her up and tried to console her without much luck despite everything she was trying. I knew exactly what she wanted (well besides food…but what would calm her down) so I asked to take her for a minute. I grabbed her and put her all snuggled into my chest, with hers against mine, her head over my heart and grabbed a blanket and papoosed her there….she immediately quit crying and settled right in. It’s an old trick we used to use in the neonatal ICU cause it works every time (and I’m sure many of you have found it too). Tiny infants love to be held. Tight. To be snuggled safe in someone’s arms. To hear the heart beat of their protector. We all spent 10 months (ok some a little less) listening to the soothing comforting sound of our mother’s heartbeat. Somehow, it’s innately ingrained in us, that when we feel out of control, alone, lost, or just can’t stop crying, what will soothe us all, is to simply be held and hear the heartbeat again of our mother.
Flash forward. Tonight in home group as we were worshipping, we sung one of my favorite songs (and one that’s been ministering to me a lot lately):
The more I seek You, the more I find You.
The more I find You, the more I love You
I wanna sit at Your feet, drink from the cup in Your hand
Lay back against You and breathe, feel Your heart beat
This love is so deep, it’s more than I can stand
I melt in Your peace, it’s overwhelming
Lucilia came to mind during this song. I was reminded of how much I, too, long to crawl into the lap of my Heavenly Father, to sit in His arms, to hear His heartbeat. The safety, the comfort, the peace. His safety, His comfort, His peace. I was reminded of each and every time one of the toddlers in the BH came running to me today with open arms, wanting to hug me and then simply to remain in my arms. We were all having an especially clingy day today, and most were uncoaxable to go play. They each wanted to sit, be held, to feel my heartbeat. I began wondering, why I haven’t allowed myself to be these children, to return to what has been innately ingrained in me. To sit at His feet, to just soak in His presence; His goodness, mercy, peace; His protection. To sit and hear His heartbeat, allowing it to become mine-one and the same. So tonight I’m asking for prayers, to help me find that space again, a rhythm that allows sitting in His presence again daily, a renewal, a refreshing, a reenergizing of my spirit; to find His heart beat again.