Something's different

Something's different this time. I'm not sure what it is exactly. But it's different. Maybe it's a bunch of little something's that's adding up to a bigger thing...making it feel so different. But, yup, it definitely feels different. I'm guessing that it has something to do with my decision to make this my home till at least June 2010. It seems so far out saying that. When I first came here I did not know how long God was going to keep me here or where this journey might take me. I knew just one year in front of me. I think I convinced myself that was all it was going to be because I couldn't handle the thought of more....well, and now....ahhhh....I have no clue how long. And I don't care. So now that I'm back....I know I'm looking forward to at least 15 more months here with the possibility that I could stay here or go on from here or do something slightly different. I've let myself indulge the thought, that maybe, just maybe, God has called me to serve these people here for an indefinite amount of time. I think that makes the difference. It seems more like home. Not just a place I'm living and calling home for 12 months. I'm painting my room (or at least the cans of paint and painting tools in the corner of my room suggest that). I have my international driver's license and drove my first 5 km on the left hand side of the road in Mozambique. No one was injured. I don't notice all the stares or yells or the fact that I'm the insane minority where ever I am. I don't notice that every single last one of my kids have a different skin color as me. You know what? I don't think they notice either. I don't even notice when I'm speaking Portuguese or when I'm speaking English....ok, unless I just can't find that word...and then, then, it becomes painfully obvious. I don't notice all the sand, or dirty feet, or even the hot weather that much. There was something so magical about walking through customs in Atlanta when you know that you are just minutes from being back outside in the States and seeing your family. And it's an indescribably feeling to hear the US customs agent say "Welcome home" to you. But you know what? There's also something really cool about landing on a small strip and walking down the small plane's staircase onto the tarmac as the hot humid air hits your face and you see the ancient and cracking Maputo International Airport sign in front of you. That feels like home too. Just in a different way.

As I was sitting, planning meal plans and nutrition needs for Latifo, something hit me. For the first time since I arrived 10 months ago, I felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility. I am the last in line provider and protector of these kids medically. If he thrived, if he died, was dependant on the care we could provide for him. Ultimately this boils down to my knowledge and the decisions I make about his care. It hit me hard, but in a good way. I had a peace that washed over me and an assurance that I would always have the things I needed as long as I wasn't trying to do this on my own accord. The Lord knows (and so do I) that I could NOT do this alone. Good thing I'm not! These children are in His hands and for that I am very thankful. Praise the Lord, He is the Great Physician!

"But to those who hunger and thirst for righteousness and who come to Him without reservation, trusting in Him as the source of all righteousness and strength, He satisfies. Those whose whole life is reoriented around Him and who desire nothing else will never want for anything. He is not our means to get bread; He IS the Bread. When we follow Him by faith with nothing else to rely on, He provides. And we are filled."
" I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty."
-John 6:35
I read those words in my daily devotional time after processing and writing the paragraph before it for my newsletter last weekend. I've been meditating on it for a few days now. It's so simple and true, and yet hard to do. To sit and trust Him for EVERYTHING....even when you have nothing left....that you will have all that you need. And not just all that you need....that you will be FILLED. I do that a lot here. These people do that a lot here. Sometimes it's easier here. Sometimes you have no choice. Sometimes....He is all that is left or all that is good. I struggle with always doing this from the beginning. You know, when He isn't all that you have left. Some of that in me is changing. Yeah. That's different too.


Amy said...

You and your kids continue to be in our prayers. Let me know if there is something you guys are needing. I will be making many trips to the post office over the next year and can drop a package your way if you need anything. Take care!!

annacoumos said...

Good post Erin! It's awesome to see how God is leading you and holding you in the palm of His hand. He's so faithful, and so beyond our imagination, out of the box, and incredible!

Bless ya, sista'! I sure will miss you when I go.